Why I shant procreate with French people

Exhibit A: French children

Today was like any day teaching mad science at Lycee Internationale French Academy, full of yelling, screaming children. Halfway through class, a child who was frustrated with his experiment threw the glass mason jar he was using on the ground (Why they supply them with glass is beyond me). The kids then screamed and rushed forward to pick up the shards with their bare hands.

"Freeze" I bellowed as loud as I could.

I then told Matisse to get a broom. This proved to be a bad idea as Matisse returned wielding the broom (which was 3 times his height) like a joust and attempting to spear other classmates. I got it from him and then proceeded to sweeping when I noticed a wet sort of tingle on my elbow.

Sophia, my naked child, had in fact clamped her jaws down on my elbow in an effort to no doubt give me french rabies. In a happier time this would have shocked and disgusted me, but I've grown and I simply removed the child from the crook of my arm and continued sweeping.

Shedding some light on the Kindergarten Psyche

I must say I thoroughly enjoyed class today. I taught an hour long class on light to 12 Kindergartners. Class began well enough, called roll, reminded kids of the rules, when it was brought to my attention that two of my students were having birthdays. Since tomorrow is my birthday I had the idea that we all sing Happy Birthday. Shameful yes, but I forced my kids to sing happy birthday to me.

From there we proceeded to demonstrations. Where I began making my insights into the mind of the 5-year-old.

1. Kids are stereotypical

Case-in-point: When I used a hair dryer for one demo I was asked. "Do you have a wife?"

"No" I replied, "Why?"

"Because only wives use hairdryers. Did you steal it from someone's wife?"

2. Kids are sexist

During one activity involving 3d glasses I grabbed the top pair and put them on. They just so happened to be pink. Well apparently the moment you put something pink on a vagina is called into existence. The kids thought I turned into a girl.

3. Kids are prone to idolatry

When putting the fire out on an alcohol lamp all you do is place a metal cap over the flame to stop the flow of oxygen. Luckily for me this fact was lost on the munchkins. They gasped and screamed when I pulled the cap off and the flame was gone. Sneakily I relit the lamp and said some magic words, "Bibbidy Bobbidy, avada kedavra!" then replaced the cap. The flame died and the children (I kid you not) flung themselves to the ground and began prostrating themselves before my feet, chanting "Asteroid Aaron, Asteroid Aaron."

Miscellaneous

Before the end of the class I was accused of stealing someone's beard. Being a momma's boy and being too big to have a dad. I received two job offers during class, one from Medtronic and one from an HVAC company, and to round off the hour I was asked to gather Mulberry leaves to feed some malnourished silkworms. Currently I am tending to my face which has broken out in pimples that would make even the angstiest teen envious, apparently I am allergic to UV makeup. I have a strange job.